Four times
by subseeker
Summary: Three times Randy wanted to tell John that he loves him and the one moment that changed their lives.
1. Tipsy

Three times Randy wanted to tell John that he loves him and the one moment that changed their lives.

Now, this concept has been written often enough but I don't have one in my library and this one jumped me while I was lying sick on my couch today, so I just started it.

Like it or not ;D here is the first part of four.

* * *

He'd known this man for over a decade. They had traveled together, they had roomed together and they had spent more private time together than he'd spent with anyone else of his friends. John made him laugh, he took him down a peg or two when he lost his temper. John was the voice of reason in his life and the shoulder to hold on in those moments when his life seemed to come apart at the seams. John had held his hand out to him more often than it could be expected… from a friend.

It was ease he felt when the older man was around and he traced it back to the fact that John took him the way he was. Only in those moments when he lost it he dug and pushed at the right points to get him back down. As strange as it sounded, over the time John had learned to play him perfectly. It was scaring. Sometimes only a fleeting expression in those blue eyes was enough to make him back down. Or to make him smile. Randy found himself being pulled back into John's orbit over and over again. And at some point he began to never want to leave that orbit ever again.

Ease became deep affection. Deep affection became a crush. And that crush… it became love. The forever-kind of love.

For more than a year Randy refused to admit it to himself. No way could he be in love with another man and out of all people it had to be his best friend. Fuck love. They were surrounded by good-looking girls with amazing bodies and he had to go and fall for a guy.

Not that John wasn't good-looking. And that body… that _butt_… Oh great, he did it again.

And maybe his mind kept drifting back to that topic because said man was just in his line of sight, dancing with a girl and moving said butt in a forbidden nice way. Whose idea had it been to go out and have some fun? Oh right, Cody's. Cody, who was dancing plastered against an overwhelmed Teddy. The epiphany that Cody had a thing for him was successfully remaining aloof to Ted and Randy hoped that he would be around when Ted finally understood. He was sure that face would be… priceless.

And now they were here, at a random bar, having _so much fun_. Well, having fun here was applying to Cody, Ted maybe because the younger man didn't seem to have made up his mind how much fun he actually had at the moment, and very obviously to John… certainly not to Randy who kept glaring in John's direction. That girl had her hands all over him and it infuriated Randy to be in the fucking situation of having to watch the show.

Her hands landed on John's butt and the green eyed monster lashed out in Randy but all he could do was turn around on his seat, wrenching his eyes away from them. Oh well, he could go over there and shove her away from him, kiss him in front of all those people but… that would probably be the last moment John would ever let him come close again. Randy was sure John would most likely never even say a single word to him if he did it.

It wasn't worth a try. Trading the permission of being close to John, even if it was only as a friend for one single kiss… no, it wasn't worth it. And so Randy glared at an invisible point at the wall, fighting with himself to keep his back towards them. Drink after drink…

It was probably half an hour after he'd decided not to watch her groping the man he'd lost his heart to when the world began to sway unpleasantly, although he was sitting. With the maximum of concentration he managed to bring up he willed the world to stop that shit and surprisingly enough it worked. Well, almost. The swaying became a slight spinning.

"I think you've had enough, Orton," said a familiar voice close to his ear and made him jump out of his skin with it.

He felt hands on his waist tighten their hold, preventing him from falling off the barstool. Hands he hadn't even noticed being there before and it dawned on him that those hands had also been the reason why his world had stopped swaying.

"Don't think so," Randy muttered but didn't do anything to get rid of his friend's hands.

He liked them there. He was actually thinking about swaying on purpose just to keep them right where they were.

"So that's your way of having fun?" the blond man asked and dammit, he had his voice still too close to Randy's ear.

An involuntary shudder ran through him and yup, John had noticed it, because he moved around a bit to sit on the barstool beside Randy, so close that he was able to keep one arm wrapped around the slender waist and scrutinized the younger man's face. Randy wanted to huff but what came out was more of a belch. A chuckle was John's response.

"Tonight? Yeah, tonight it's my way of having fun," Randy muttered, pursing his lips. "Becauuuuse… because Cody is busy with ravishing Ted and you… you'll be off soon enough to fuck that girl who tried to get you naked on the dance floor."

A pat on his hip. And a lopsided smile spread on his lips.

"Yeah, my plan exactly," the older man sighed. "Well, that was until I saw you almost fall off your stool. I sent her away to find someone else for the night and now I'm gonna take you to the hotel. Come on, move that sexy ass of yours."

… _sexy ass…?_

Randy's head snapped around to John at the comment, only to be greeted by a wide grin. Almost wide enough to bring up the dimples. He could see hints of those fucking cute dimples.

_Fuck._

Dangerous. Reaaally dangerous. Was he leaning towards John? Probably, that would explain why the world was tilting so oddly and why John quirked an eyebrow. A second later Randy's forehead collided with John's shoulder as he neatly missed the lips he _so_ wanted to kiss.

"Very graceful, Randy, very-very graceful…"

"Yeah, totally, I know…" he mumbled against his friend's shoulder, quite content with the place his face had found.

One of his hands dropped to John's thigh and the blond didn't even flinch. His entire life he'd thought that only the well-toned body of a beautiful girl could feel so fucking good to his touch… well, that was until his heart decided to go into business for itself, latching onto the man who was now holding him. And now… _now_ it was that thick thigh he felt under his fingers which made his heart stumble and lurch. A sigh that morphed to a small moan of slight sadness slipped past his lips.

"You okay, Ran?"

Ran… he loved it when John called him that. Even more so if it was wrapped in that warm and low rumble that made his heart beat faster.

_I love you._

"Don't know… maybe not."

"You gonna be sick?"

Again the low rumble. Again his heart ran a tad faster.

"No, not sick…"

_Well, lovesick maybe._

"What's wrong? Why are you trying to shoot yourself out of life?"

Soft. His voice. As was his touch as John's free hand settled on the back of Randy's head. Caring. Worried.

_Nothing's wrong. I just love you._

"Felt alooone," he replied instead, sounding way more pathetic than he wanted to.

He felt the hum more than he heard it before John muttered: "Why didn't you say a word?"

"You were busy…"

"You really think that some random girl is more important than you are?" John asked puzzled. "Don't be silly. You're worrying me a bit here, you know? Now, spill it, what's wrong with you tonight?"

"Told you, felt alone."

"Something else?"

"No," Randy lied, because there was more, wasn't there?

_But wouldn't it be enough? _he added in his thoughts.

Patting Randy's head lightly he dipped his face a bit to get closer to the younger man's ear he said quietly: "Okay, let's go then. I've got you."

The arm around his waist tightened its hold and he felt John slip from the barstool, gently pulling him down with him and Randy didn't give much resistance, but his face remained where it was. Pressing closer he sniffed at John, smiling as his nostrils were filled with John's unique scent.

"Are you sniffing at me?" John asked incredulously, gently pushing Randy a bit away.

The older man was gazing at him with narrowed eyes and furrowed brows.

_Only a bit, Johnny… _was what Randy thought.

"Nooope," was what he said.

The expression on John's face relaxed a bit as he shook his head, laughing softly.

"You're drunk as a newt, man," he stated the obvious as he put one of Randy's arms around his shoulders and one arm around the younger man's waist to hold him upright as he more or less carried him out of the bar.

And Randy held on to him with delight, a goofy grin plastered to his face that made John chuckle every time he side-gazed the younger man. He even clung to his friend while sitting in the cab. And when they reached the hotel he let himself being steered to the elevator where John parked him in a corner, standing in front of him with one hand on his chest to keep him from keeling over. But not for long. For a second the pressure on Randy's chest ceased and he used the chance to… accidently… fall forwards and right into the well-known, strong arms which caught him safely.

"Jeez, Randy, you're heavy. Come on, I'm sure you can stand on your own," John muttered as he tried to push him back into his corner.

"Can't," the younger man muttered back.

The elevator doors pinged open and after being shifted a little in John's hold Randy stumbled along the corridor, an arm wrapped firmly around his friend's neck and one hand extended to keep the corridor wall from crashing onto them. Despite three times of gracefully tripping over his own feet and half-heartedly grumbling from John because he had to keep him from collapsing like a pile of laundry they finally made it to their shared room. John steered him to a bed and with an _ooof_ he sat down heavily, seeing his friend stare at him with a partly concerned, partly amused expression.

"I suggest you get out of your clothes and under the blanket?"

Randy hummed. It sounded like a good idea but when John started stripping to his boxers he could only stare and watch the show. Moving wasn't an option anymore because moving most likely included missing a second of the nice sight in front of him. Muscles flexing, moving tantalizingly under pale skin. A perfect body that made any well-toned girls body pale in comparison. Muscles which were pleasing to the touch, hard yet soft… and that butt…

"Are you watching me, Orton?"

"Hunh?" he replied ingeniously as his eyes snapped up to the older man's face with a most befuddled expression that made John snigger.

"You wanna sleep in your clothes?"

Frowning Randy looked down on himself and shaking his head no he stood up, swaying dangerously. It wasn't getting any better as he tried to get his tee over his head and within seconds he was tangled in the stubborn fabric. He didn't see anything but he felt the world tilt and preparing for a hard impact he closed his eyes. Only that he never hit the floor.

Arms around him had kept him from falling and those arms were now pulling him closer.

"Need help?" came the amused question.

Randy's fingers itched to touch him and he would have done it, if he hadn't so successfully tied himself up in his shirt. John didn't wait for an answer and holding the younger man up with one arm, he began to free him from the tee, cautiously tugging it over his friend's head. Once freed, Randy only stared at him, happy about the close proximity.

It got him a quirked eyebrow.

"Shoes?"

John was still holding him up as he slipped out of his shoes, using the chance to hold on to him. The amusement on John's face grew and Randy thought that, yes, that man was cute.

_Love you._

"Pants, Randy."

A moment later his cargos pooled around his feet and John praised him with a _good_ _boy_, before steering him back to the bed.

How he ended up lying on John was a total mystery to him but he wasn't going to question it, because _fuck_ if he would leave this position _ever_ again. A wide, goofy and utterly happy grin stretched his lips, unseen by the older man.

"You're squashing me," John exhaled a little choked. "Get off."

"Can't."

"Hell yes, you can. Get off."

"Caaan't," Randy slurred.

Fingers tapping his shoulder wanted to tell him that yes, he could do it.

The tapping continued as the blond man stated: "I'm not used to having half-naked men lying on top of me."

"Liar. Having half-naked men lying on top of you is your fucking job," Randy muttered and in a way he had a point there.

An exasperated sigh close to his ear. Warm breath fanning over his neck, making him shudder.

"Get. Off. Or I'll make you, Orton," the older man warned him.

"Caaan't. Can't-can't-can't…" Randy pouted.

_Don't want to…_

The following sigh fleeting over his neck was more a worried one, even a tad defeated. Randy knew John wouldn't really make him get off if it meant he could possibly hurt him by doing so. Instead he felt hesitant arms circle his back as John shifted a little in an attempt to breathe easier. It maybe would have been a nice move to get off John, but he simply didn't want to since it felt way too good and the chance to end up like this again were… poor. A smile tugged at his lips again. John was broader than him but he was definitely taller and he was pretty much blanketing him completely right now, with his arms framing his head. His own head rested on a familiar broad shoulder and his face… it was resuming its place there.

They fell quiet and the only sound to be heard in the room was their breathing. Within seconds the alcohol induced haze, the slow rising and falling of John's chest and the dull beating of his heart lulled Randy into a doze and the gentle arms wrapped around him did their part, too, leaving him dwelling in a wonderful dream. But it wasn't granted to him to enjoy it and it was John's hushed voice which called him back.

"Still feeling alone?"

There were times when the older man's voice was so infinitely tender that it made Randy's heart ache, that it sent a tingle down his spine. Just like this very moment. And maybe it was a good thing that he was much too drunk… or better drunk enough… that his body didn't embarrass him.

"No," Randy breathed.

"Ran… what is it? I mean, you're acting really odd tonight. And don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with you being close, you know that, but this…"

Despite his words John tightened his hold on him, probably an attempt to comfort him. When there was no answer from the younger man John spoke again, as hushed, as goddamn tender.

"Randy?"

No answer because Randy didn't want this moment to end and he was sure if he moved now, if he said a word, this moment would be… lost. But this was John and John wouldn't let him get away with not reacting.

"Ran, come on, look at me," John demanded softly and his arms slipped from the younger man's back, finding a way between them to gently push him up.

There was a question lying in the depths of those baby blues he'd come to love so dearly. It wasn't the question the older man had asked him and for once Randy couldn't read what was written in them. He braced on his arms which were still framing John's head, gazing down on him and he had to swallow hard as strong hands settled on his hips, the touch making the hair on his neck stand on end. If he just would lean in now and do what his heart was asking for…

A tiny switch around his friend's eyes told him that he was probably doing it, drifting towards those tempting lips and he blinked once as he found a new expression accompany the lingering question in the blue orbs. He wasn't sure… if it was confusion? Or uncertainty?

"You know you can tell me anything…"

It wasn't a question but a statement, whispered, begging in a way. And Randy… he wanted to believe it. That he could tell John anything. Even… that. He would have never allowed the idea that formed in his clouded mind now to even emerge from the depths of his hidden wishes while being sober but now…

"Ran…?"

Another tingle ran down his spine, leaving waves of goose bumps in its wake. God, how he wanted to kiss him and he fucking loved him so much it _hurt_. He could taste the words in his mouth, sweet yet bitter as they were lying on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be revealed. Three words. Three tiny, innocent words…

"I…" he whispered as his gaze was kept prisoner by blue depths.

… _love you._

"I…" he tried again, his voice a mere breath now.

… _I love you so much…_

Within a split second the whole magic moment shattered as his stomach suddenly cramped painfully, making him moan pitifully. Another second later he began to heave and the next thing he knew was that John quickly crawled out from under him, lifting him off the bed to drag him over to the bathroom. Just in time.

Randy had no idea how long he kept his head stuck into the toilet, throwing up everything his stomach had to give until he was back at retching dry. All the time he felt tender hands rubbing soothing circles on his back and he heard calming words being whispered.

Those hands and words were the last thing he knew as he slipped into a nice blackness…

When he woke up the next morning he found a killer headache waiting for him and… he was lying in his bed, wrapped in a warm blanket and beside him… there was John, sitting propped up against the headboard. Sleeping. One of his hands was settled on Randy's shoulder, the other was holding a damp washcloth, resting on his legs.

For a second Randy forgot the pounding in his head as the events of the last night came rushing back. He gasped. His eyes widened. And then he closed them against a suspicious burning in them and a stifled sob crawled past his lips, just loud enough to wake John. His name was being whispered and a gentle hand smoothed over his hair and when he opened his eyes again there was John, all worried leaning over him…

Much later as they sat in the plane on their way back home John was still worried about his well-being, not a moment leaving his side. And while Randy stared out of the window the memories of the night came back, over and over again.

It had been close and he wasn't sure if it had been too close… or not close enough…


	2. Value pack

Now, here we have the second part. Tell me what you think ;-)

Thanks-thanks-thanks to everyone who read the first part, who left a comment and to all of you who drop in to read this one! Love ya!

And now I'm off and busy with What you see - part 4! Wish you a gooood start into the weekend!

* * *

John had never been a man with the problem of _not_ being able to choose a girl out of dozens of girls. He was good-looking, charming, graced with a stunning body plus he was WWE's Golden Boy. _Not_ having enough girls trying to get a piece of him would have been a wonder.

He was someone who loved to have his family and friends around. It was safe to say he didn't like to be alone and although he wasn't averse to one-night stands, Randy knew that he was patiently looking and waiting for the one person to come along. And lately it seemed that he had set himself a time frame because Randy watched girl after girl passing his silent scrutiny. It had been like that for the last three month.

And exactly three month ago it had been that drunken night when he had ended up lying on John, close to spilling the truth before he puked his guts out. Coincidence? Or had he said too much that night and… John tried now to…

Whatever.

It had taken him two weeks before he realized that he was about to lose John. Not that he'd ever had him. And not that he'd ever had a real chance to have him anyway. Yet jealousy, possessiveness and the fear of losing the man he loved met, becoming an unhealthy cocktail which made Randy stop thinking.

And so every girl that wasn't marked with on-night stand became a real threat. It happened quite subtle, starting out with claiming his friend every possible minute. He wasn't all too nice to those potential girlfriends and he was sure that his behaviour had scared a good half of them away. And the other half? John. John had broken up with them. Out of reasons he never really told anyone, not even Randy.

But… one of them made it over a longer distance. If it could be called that. Three weeks. And it seemed to work out for them, a fact that had its cold fingers clamped around Randy's poor little heart…

They were sitting in a bar now, having a drink. Only the two of them. Waiting, for John's… girlfriend to pick him up.

Randy clicked his tongue and drowned the last bit of his beer in an attempt to wash the bitter taste of that thought away. Waiting for a girl to take his John away from him and he was just sitting here, doing nothing against it.

_I love you, John. Don't go._

For the last two hours a companionable ease had lingered between them, they had talked about the job, friends and family, sitting at the bar close to one another. So close that their shoulders touched and their thighs bumped. So close that he could smell John's scent and when the older man laughed… he felt the full voice run through him in a sweet shiver.

The day had been long and straining and all Randy had wanted was to go home and sleep, but then John caught him off in front of his locker, asking if he was up for a beer until… she… would pick him up.

And how could he have ever said no? He would gratefully embrace every single minute he was graced with spending time with John.

His eyes were fixed on the used surface of the bar as he pushed the empty glass back and forth between his hands. He hadn't intended to drink more than a beer but that one beer became five as he waited for the inevitable. It didn't make it any better that the last ten minutes talk revolved around her. John was happy. He wanted John to be happy, but not because of her.

_You would hate me if you knew_, Randy thought bitterly, pursing his lips. _I'm a lousy best friend._

Sagging a little on his barstool he leaned against John's shoulder, sighing thankfully for the support the strong shoulder provided. He heard a chuckle, felt it through the touch.

For a few seconds his mind drifted off to other lands, wondering how it would feel… those lips and hands everywhere on him, that body pressed against his, moving against him, with him… in him.

Taking a shuddering breath he wiped a hand down his face, closing his eyes as his southern regions became interested and heat spread in his chest. His heart sped up and he was sure that breathing was important… He was _very sure_ the tips of his ears were bright red by now.

All that from thinking about it. He knew it would never happen, but… _if_… he couldn't even imagine the intensity of the sensations it would cause and he would most likely burst to a thousand pieces. A perfectly happy death.

_I want you._

Drawing a deep breath he shook the thought off and focused back on the man beside him who as still talking to him. No, had been talking. John was quiet now, absentmindedly gazing at the bottles on the wall, his glass halfway up to his mouth.

And then he placed the glass at his lips and hesitated for a brief moment, before he murmured: „You know, I don't understand why _you_ are still alone." A sip. "You're handsome, you have the goddamn body of a Greek god, you're an intelligent boy… I don't get it." Another sip. "The whole time I wait for you to tell me that you finally found the love of your life."

What followed was a thoughtful silence on John's side and a torn silence on Randy's. Torn because those words made him feel warm and cherished and loved, even if it wasn't the kind of love he wished for. Torn because suddenly he felt utterly alone and… he wanted to say that, yes, there was someone yet he was afraid to do so. When he kept quiet John side-gazed him with questioning eyes and then a broad hand patted his thigh gently.

"I just want to see you happy," the older man said softly and the same softness seemed to illuminate those baby blues.

For a second Randy felt the urge to reach out and touch John to feel that softness, but instead he closed his fingers tighter around the glass in his hand. He couldn't look away though and the sight held him captive.

_I love you. Why don't you see it?_

"There is someone," he replied hesitantly before he knew what he was saying and he watched as John's eyes lightened up.

But then they dimmed and blue eyes shot him a slightly hurt look.

"Why didn't you tell me?" his friend muttered.

Sighing Randy finally wrenched his gaze away, staring down on the empty glass and from the corner of his eyes he saw John order two shots. A small glass was placed in front of him.

"It's… complicated," Randy exhaled then, drowning the shot in one go. "That very person has no idea…"

Again a pat on his thigh and this time the hand stayed there. Warmth emanated from it and it felt good, it felt right and it felt like something he wanted to feel forever. He looked back up and found the hurt look replaced by a quirked eyebrow and a happy smile that was bright enough to show hints of those fucking cute dimples.

_I love you…_

"Okay, Ortz, spill it. Tell me everything about the love of your life."

He snorted as the smile on John's face became a bit goofy and said: "The love of my life… yeah… nice blond hair, handsome, amazing blue eyes, the most beautiful smile in the world and a picture perfect body."

John hummed approvingly. Another shot was placed in front of Randy and again he drowned it in one go. He didn't have all too much tonight but the few beers and the two shots were enough to bestow him a lightheaded feeling that made a bell ring warningly in the back of his head.

"More," John demanded and squeezed the younger man's thigh, leaving a tingle under his touch.

"Intelligent, warm-hearted, reliable…" He knew that he was talking in keywords here, but keywords were save since he did not have to mention that all this described… John. "Loyal, funny, caring and too goddamn precious…"

The bright smile on John's lips faded a bit while Randy spoke and back was the breathtaking softness in his features making Randy trail off. The older man was so close… What if he just leaned in now and kissed him?

„She is he luckiest person in the world to have your love," John said and his voice was low, tender and deep. "You should tell her. I can't imagine that she wouldn't want you, Ran."

_He_, Randy thought sorrowful and his heart cried the truth again and again, unheard. _You. And I'm not sure you'd say that if you knew…_

His hand dropped onto John's on its own accord and with his touch the smile on his friend's lips vanished completely, leaving something behind Randy couldn't name but it was drawing him in. The hand under his own turned palm up, fingers closing around his in a light hold. He opened his mouth to speak but no words left his lips. But he had to. He _needed_ to because she would come to take him away and he couldn't let it happen.

"Johnny, I…" he whispered, not sure if his friend would hear him but it was all he managed. "I… there's something I need to tell you but…"

Leaning a bit closer John said: "Hey, what's wrong, Ran? You know you can tell me anything."

And there it was again. All the time he'd wanted to believe it and maybe now it was time to _really_ believe it. Unconsciously he held on to John's hand tighter, either to anchor himself and to make sure his friend wouldn't run away just like that.

A deep breath, inhaled, exhaled. Unsteady. His heart did a tap dance in his chest and the courage he summoned lay heavy in his guts, as did fear because this… it was going to chance everything, without a way back.

… _I love you…_

Swallowing hard he willed his eyes to keep locked with those blue orbs as he spoke again: "I lo…"

He never had the chance to say it. The long overdue truth was silenced before it really had the chance to be known as _her_ voice cut in. John's name wrapped in her voice, coming from her lips sounded so goddamn wrong and suddenly John's hand slipped out of his hold and all that was left was an apologetic crooked smile he gave him. And then she squeezed between them to kiss John.

The older man didn't see Randy flinch at the stinging pain in his chest as he had to watch her kiss him, but maybe he saw the hurt in his eyes as she stepped aside and they gazes locked again.

"Sorry, I gotta go," John said quietly as he got up from his place, giving Randy's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'm gonna call you tomorrow, then we can talk. Okay?"

No, _nothing_ was okay. It was fucking _not_ okay! He wanted to scream _no, don't go, don't leave me, I love you goddammit_!

Again he opened his mouth and again no sound escaped his lips. And then John was gone, leaving a big cold nothing behind.

x

Two hours later Randy sat on his couch, knees drawn up to his chest. He was plucking at the sleeve of a much to baggy sweater. Every time he wore it, it made him seem somewhat shrunk and it was no wonder. It was John's. The older man had forgotten it at his place a while ago and oh so clandestinely Randy had adopted it as his feel-good sweater. Sheltered by the sweater and wrapped into a thick comforter he stared absentmindedly at the running TV. It was what he'd done for at least the last hour. Staring into nothing while trying to think of nothing. When he had come back home he wanted to sleep, but he ended up tossing and turning until he couldn't stand it any longer. The lightheaded feeling the alcohol had given him had subsided completely and was replaced by the ever-present heartache.

Almost. He'd almost said it if she hadn't come in to destroy everything. Yet maybe it was a good thing that his secret was still a secret because really, what was he expecting? That John was happy about it?

Sighing he pulled the comforter tighter around his shoulders, hoping the warmth would lull him into sleep. But only a moment later he jumped up from the couch with a surprised gasp as the front door opened. The comforter pooled around his feet with a dull thud as he stood stark and stiff, staring at the door.

Only one person had a spare key to his house and so he shouldn't have been so surprised to see who the nightly visitor was. But he _was_, very much so. The door clicked shut and in the middle of the hallway stood John, gazing over to him with a most sheepish expression.

"John?" Randy asked confused.

John shifted from one foot to the other, scratching the back of his head.

"I, uhm… can I stay for a while?"

"You can stay as long as you want," Randy replied, still confused and slightly worried because shouldn't this man be out with her, all happy and stuff? "What happened?"

A heavy sigh. Shrugging his shoulders the older man walked over to him, letting himself fall heavily into the cushion.

"Well, we have different opinions of what should be part of my life and what not," John drawled, sounding disappointed and a tad defeated. "She thinks you shouldn't be a part of it and I think you should be." Another heavy sigh and the older man closed his eyes, resting his head against the backrest. "You are already such a big part of my life that I…" A tiny puff of air, a chuckle almost. "It's just not an option."

The words sunk into Randy's still bemused mind, making his aching little heart trip.

"Oh," Randy murmured at a loss what to say, sitting back down beside him. Absentmindedly he reached for the comforter, pulling it over his legs. "And now?"

Turning his head towards him John blinked slowly, eyes warm and soft and there was a smile ghosting around the corners of his mouth as the older man let his hand drop onto Randy's blanketed leg, patting it lightly.

"I told her that she can't have me without you," John said quietly. "No John without Randy. Get the value pack or nothing. Well, she didn't want the value pack."

There was a joyful jumping in his chest as Randy only stared at his friend, at a loss what to say and in utter awe that John said something like that without hesitation, that he was considering him as such a big part of his life… such an important part of his life.

_Love you._

But then he suddenly felt a pang of guilt and compassion because John _had just lost his girlfriend_.

_A very lousy best friend are you to be happy about it…_

And then John seemed to notice something and his brows rose in mild amusement.

"Are you wearing my sweater?"

_Oh. Oops._

He'd never wanted John to know and now he was sitting here, wearing the stolen piece of fabric.

"Yeah, well… you forgot it here and I… uhm…" he tried to explain, not knowing how.

Wearing your sweater makes me feel good? No. Instead he sighed and began to peel out of it when a hand on his arm stopped him and when he looked back up to John the amusement was replaced by fondness.

"No, 's okay. Keep it," the older man replied softly. But then he grinned and added: "Just make sure you won't drown in it."

Slightly scandalized at the comment, although he knew John was right, he stuck his tongue out and added a friendly smack to the back of John's head as he sniggered. They gazed at each other for a moment then, before John suddenly averted his eyes, looking down as he tugged at a corner of the comforter, pulling it over his legs, too, smoothing his hands over it.

"Promise me something?" he asked hushed and Randy only nodded, wondering what was about to come. "Don't ever change who you are."

Baffled Randy wanted to say that he didn't plan on doing so but the older man stopped him by holding up a hand.

"Wait, I… I want to get this out of my system because I never really told you this," John murmured, somehow sounding far away, a little lost even. "We started out as friends but back then I wouldn't have believed that we would grow so close. With you it's easy. I can be who I really am. I know that you have my back and as cheesy as it sounds, you are caring, warm-hearted, you make me laugh and you are the voice of reason when I once again become obsessed with something and I think it's rare enough to find someone like you and be graced with calling him a friend."

If he had been in utter awe a few minutes ago about this man's courage to just say what he was feeling and thinking, then he had no words to describe how it made him feel now. John's eyes were still fixed on his hands and Randy turned his face away to hide a single tear that had escaped his eyes despite his best efforts to blink it back.

Quickly wiping it away he whispered: "Not friend. Best friend."

"Yeah, best friends," John whispered back. "Thanks Ran. Thanks for being there."

Maybe John was only a bit sentimental now because he was alone again but Randy knew that he'd meant every word. He'd always known… somehow.

Reaching out to tousle his friend's practically nonexistent hair he murmured: "Same here, Johnny. Same here…"

John looked back up to him and Randy was sure he would never get enough of that tender gleam he'd already seen so often in those baby blues, the one he saw there now. It was like a touch of velvet to his soul.

"Okay then, I guess this was enough emotional stuff for one night. I didn't come here for moping," John said then decidedly, nudging Randy in the ribs. "I'm here to have fun with my best friend."

What followed were uncountable rounds on the Xbox, a companionable beer or two and all the while they talked, bantered and laughed. It was them, it was what their friendship was all about. Being who they were, no holding back, no pretending. Easiness, fun, trust and affection. Knowing the other, blindly.

It was early morning when they eventually fell into bed. Randy's bed. That John was sleeping there when he stayed overnight had become a habit by now, just as using his electric shaver, shower gel, shampoo, even his aftershave. The usual fussing and tugging, claiming and reclaiming of blankets followed, ending with tired groans on both sides and Randy was glad that they had the day off.

After a moment of comfortable silence Randy murmured: "You okay, Johnny?"

A yawn, then a sigh.

"Very okay," the older man replied quietly.

"I'm sorry, you know?" he added quietly, thinking of how happy John had been with _her_.

"Don't be, I'm not. It wasn't meant to be." John's voice was sleepy as he spoke and in the moonlit room he could see his friend's eyes drift close. "There are a lot of girls out there, but only one Randy. Not gonna trade you for some girl…"

Turning onto his side to face him, Randy inched a bit closer.

"How should the love of your life be like?" he asked hesitantly as his eyes roamed the pale features, taking in slightly parted lips, a tiny twitch around them.

First there was no answer and he was sure John was already asleep, but then a low hum followed.

"Hmmh… pretty much like you with boobs," the older man chuckled and Randy's breath caught, his heart lurched and he wasn't sure if he felt like laughing or crying.

… _I love you…_

With a groan John turned over, facing him and suddenly they were even closer. Close enough that his warm breath brushed over Randy's face, causing goose bumps to flare on his arms and back. Close enough for Randy to get lost in eyes which were now looking at him slightly hooded, with a deep expression and the familiar cerulean blue seemed to glow in the moonlight. John was smiling and it was that very kind of smile which he seemed to give only Randy, a smile that carried that breathtaking softness.

_I love you._

For a moment Randy forgot how to breathe. For that moment he wanted to lean in and kiss John, beg him to breathe for him.

"John, I… that person I'm in love with…" he whispered but trailed off then, scared.

He wanted to say it but… the words got stuck in his throat. He swallowed hard, tried it again but all that left his lips was a helpless sigh. John's hand crawled out from under the blanket, settling on his which lay between them and squeezed it lightly.

"You should tell her, Ran... 'm sure she would want you," his friend murmured, voice heavy with sleep. "If I was her… would claim you on the spot..."

For a second something shifted in those hooded eyes, baring something infinitely tender that made Randy's heart ache and cry, yet jump happily, because again those words made him feel _good_, yet… not. There was a sorrowful twitch of Randy's brows and his nostrils flared as hot and stinging tears sprang to his eyes but John didn't see it. The older man's eyes closed but his hand stayed there, blanketing Randy's.

And then Randy found it again, that little bit of courage he'd summoned hours before, lingering hidden behind the confusing good and bad feelings which his friend's words formed in him. It arose, urging him to say it…

"I love you, John."

A whisper. A plea. Full of hope and… it was unheard.

The light snore that followed only a heartbeat later tore at his poor little heart and in an desperate attempt to end this hide and seek the reached out, giving his friend a light shake and then a more insistent one. Nothing happened. Not a hum, not a twitch. A bitter huff fell from Randy's lips. Karma was such a bitch but he wasn't willed to give up yet.

Hesitantly he leaned over to the older man and close to his ear, whispering: "John?"

As he pulled back a bit and watched the peaceful face for a reaction there was none and only to be sure he whispered the name again. Nothing. And suddenly there was a fuzzy feeling in his tummy and from it rose a lightheaded thought. He acted on it before he even realized what he was doing. It was just too tempting.

Dipping his head he closed the gap… and kissed the lips his heart longed for to feel. Lips that had him instantly addicted. Warm, soft… The fuzzy feeling swelled as he imagined how it would be to feel them kiss him back…

"I love you," he said again quietly as he lay back down, willing all his love into those three words and maybe, just maybe they would reach John's heart even in his sleep.

The room fell quiet and those three words faded into that quietness and the obscure corners, waiting there to be heard someday. John's pale features looked like chiseled in marble in the silvery light and it was this image and the faint feeling of John's lips that accompanied Randy as he much later followed John into a peaceful sleep.

x

The next day Randy woke up to a soft sound and steady sound and an inviting heat pressed against his back. The closer he drifted to being awake, the more he became aware of a weight on his hip and then he realized that he was lying back pressed against back with John, whose hand rested on Randy's hip. With a happy smile he nestled against the broad frame and got a hum in response. The hand on his hip twitched. But John didn't wake up.

For a about an hour he stayed like that, floating between being awake and dozing off, all the while savoring the closeness, the warmth and the touch, thinking that he could get used to this, really _really_ used to this. When he eventually decided to get up his hand settled on John's, staying there for a minute, before he gently lifted his friend's hand over to crawl out of the bed.

When John came down over half an hour later he was greeted by a nice breakfast and Randy who sat patiently waiting at the kitchen table, thoughtfully sipping his coffee. Randy wasn't the breakfast-maker type of guy but as he saw the stars twinkling in those beloved baby blues he silently vowed to make a goddamn breakfast every single morning from now on if it meant that he would be graced with this sight for it.

And as he got up to get John his coffee, the older man stopped him by framing his face with his hands and the world stopped turning for a long and sweet second as John placed a smack on his lips.

"Thanks, darling," he laughed, patting the younger man's slightly blushed cheeks softly before he turned away to get busy with the breakfast.

This… had been unexpected and John didn't notice how Randy had to brace on the counter because he felt his knees go weak and he also didn't see the slight blush become a furious one or the silly grin that spread on Randy's lips as his brain caught up.

When he returned to the table with John's coffee the blush was still slightly visible and after handing the coffee over to greedy hands he pulled his chair over, sitting down close to his friend, close enough to make their knees bump and John didn't move his legs out of the way. And while Randy resumed sipping his coffee he watched him, thinking that this moment was somehow perfect. Maybe even perfect enough to say the words…

Yeah, the moment was perfect... so perfect that he wanted it to last as long as possible and he knew that if he said it now, this little piece of perfection would be gone. So he smiled a sad little smile hidden by the mug and said nothing.

It was like John had said the last night… they were a value pack and that gave him some more time. There would be another moment, sooner or later. A better moment, when he would really be ready to say it.

_I love you, John…_


	3. Borderline

Okay, so this is part 3. One more to come!

Enjoy!

* * *

It had been eight weeks. Eight bloody weeks without John. First Randy had been on tour, then their schedules had been so goddamn different and claiming that they didn't get a chance to spend some time together. No time for calls, not even for a short one… only a message here or there.

The mere memory of John's voice had sent warm shivers down his spine. Gods, how he'd wanted to hear it again…

_Eight weeks_ like a cold withdrawal. He'd been showing the first mental symptoms already after two weeks. Nervousness. Restlessness. His thoughts revolving around John and even if he'd managed to focus them on something else, within the shortest time they had been reverting back to John. He'd felt hollow because _he_ was missing. It had almost felt like bordering on a depression. And all the time he'd wondered how John felt? If he missed him, too?

Well… now he knew that John had missed him most likely not even remotely as much as he had missed John.

Why? Oh, now _that_ had truly been a surprise. Not only the reason itself had been the surprise but also circumstances. In an attempt to surprise John he drove to his place, hoping that he was up to hanging out a bit and just as he opened the door and stepped into the hallway he almost ran into… a girl. He froze while said girl first yelped about his unexpected presence, followed by a fleeting expression of recognition and a hearty hello. She actually _hugged_ him.

He did not hug her back.

Shortly after John came in, alarmed by her yelp and when he saw Randy he had been all hugs and good to see you, there had even been a dimpled smile, yet in his eyes… Randy couldn't put his fingers on what kind of emotion it had been… but it wasn't a reassuring one. The unease it caused in him had robbed him off the good feelings John's hugs, voice and closeness always bestowed him, leaving him as hollow as he'd been those eight weeks. And now they were sitting in the living room and she was talking about… something. Whatever. Randy's busy mind faded her voice out and looking at her was like watching a silent movie.

Cassandra. Cassi. Placing his glass to his lips he drowned half of the water in it, but it failed to wash the bad taste on his tongue away her name left there, just like all those names before. His eyes flicked over to John, finding him gazing at her in silent, rapt attention. It sickened Randy to see him looking at that woman this way. After what might have been only a handful of minutes but sure enough had felt like a little eternity she excused herself to the bathroom.

A broad smile spread over the older man's face as he asked: "Now? What do you think?"

The smile Randy managed was a bit restrained.

"Well, she is nice to look at," he replied slowly.

She in fact looked like a female version of himself and John's words how the love of his life should be echoed on his ears.

_Pretty much like you with boobs._

_Fuck_, shot through Randy's mind because fuck, she was at least an optical copy of him… what if she _was_ a female Randy? And fuck, because John's expression suddenly changed to the one he always pulled up when he realized that there was something on Randy's mind… or heart. His chest tightened.

"Okay Ran, spill it. What goes on in your pretty head?"

Fiddling with his glass Randy pursed his lips and looked down to his feet.

"Since when?" he asked then hushed, without looking back up.

There was a rustling, quiet steps and then John sat down beside him close enough that their shoulders bumped.

"Seven weeks. I met her at the gym. Reminded me of you, guess that's why I noticed her in the first place. Funny, huh?" the blond man explained with a soft laughter in his voice.

_Yeah, totally funny_, Randy thought and then it sunk in.

Seven weeks_. Seven fucking weeks_! His heart lurched and heart plummeted to his belly. His eyes snapped to John's, the glass almost dropped from his hands and… Seven weeks… meant that… John was serious about this…

"What?" he breathed, a mixture of shock, disappointment and panic hitting him unprepared.

John saw it and the happy expression on his face dimmed visibly before he said a tad surprised: "Thought you would be happy for me?"

_No, I'm not. I'm fucking not because I love you, goddammit!_

"And I thought you would tell me something like that sooner," Randy muttered, accusation tingeing his words.

There was guilt in those blue eyes, he noticed. John shifted and nudged Randy with his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I, uhm… I just wanted to be sure about it before I tell anyone."

"Oh, so I'm anyone, Cena?"

Randy couldn't help the hurt tone in his voice. A hand settled on his knee, squeezing it lightly and there it was again, the warm tingling under the touch.

"Don't be silly, Ran. I wanted to tell you about her, but first I had to be sure and really, via short message?" John apologized and the happy expression returned to his face. "She could be the one. Really, I think she could be the one…"

And wasn't this irony of fate? How good were the chances that John found a girl that looked like him, maybe even was like him, got her interested and made it a serious thing? Obviously too good and now he had again to be scared of losing the man he loved and in addition to a female copy of him.

"Do you love her?"

A croak. His voice was a croak and he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, looked away and blinked against the stinging in his eyes but it was too late, John had noticed it and how could he not?

"What's wrong, Randy?"

Words full of worry, warmth. So John.

_I love you._

"Do you love her?" he repeated and John gazed up to the door, maybe to make sure Cassi wasn't around.

"Maybe… yeah. But I guess it is a bit rash to speak of love after seven weeks. Randy… what…?"

His heart began to run, pounding hard against his chest as it tightened even more, making it hard to breathe. Settling his hand on John's which was still on his knee he stopped his friend with a slight shake of his head. He couldn't let this happen, had to stop it before it was too late…

Slipping his fingers between John's he held onto his hand firmly, maybe to keep him from running away, maybe too keep him from punching him he whispered: "John, I… I… lov…"

The unnamed emotion was back in those baby blues and there was confusion and uncertainty as he gazed at Randy as he spoke and Randy wanted to say _it_, the word already on the tip of his tongue as light steps in the hallway made John pull his hand away, made the word die in Randy's throat.

"Babe? Could you get the barbeque from the garage? I thought it would be nice if Randy stayed for dinner?" she suggested as she stepped in the same moment John jumped up.

"Yeah, sure," the older man uttered and left the room without a glance back.

With a baffled expression she watched him leave, then looked over to Randy who placed the glass on the coffee table and got up. No way would he stay for dinner and watch this painful show of happiness. And the way John had just fled from the room told him that it probably would be better not to be here when he came back.

"You guys okay?" she asked, approaching Randy as he made his way to the front door. "Hey, wait, where are you going? Don't you want to stay for dinner?"

Her hand on his arm stopped him and he glanced down at it and it was now that he noticed that she had changed her clothes, the long-arm shirt she'd worn replaced by a tank. Her arms were heavily inked, just like his own. Even that was similar. He met her questioning stare, narrowing his eyes. And something in him… snapped.

"He doesn't belong to you," he hissed, shaking her hand off.

He regretted the words the very second they were out in the open because he watched her raise an eyebrow as she shifted her stance, crossing her arms over her chest, glaring at him the same way he used to glare at people. That moment he knew she wouldn't keep this to herself.

And because it was already too late he added: "You can't have him."

Turning around without giving her a chance to reply even one word he left and made the way to his car in a few quick strides. From the corner of his eyes he saw John step out of the house as he pulled out of the driveway, but he didn't stop and on his way home his cell rang once, then beeped three times, the caller-ID always showing John, but he ignore it. And when he came home he locked the front-door with the key and the door latch, ran to his room and locked that door, too. Just in case…

For an hour he sat frozen on his bed in his dark room, listening, waiting for the tiniest sound that John might have followed him. But all the time silence reigned. Maybe he should have been relieved about it but after the hour was over his mind stopped focusing on possible signs that he wasn't alone here and returned to what had happened at John's place.

Fuck. _Fucking shit._

Again he'd wanted to tell John the truth and again he was interrupted but this time… it had been different somehow and he wondered if John knew…? But no matter if or if not, John's reaction hadn't been good. So _not_ _good_. And Cassandra? What if she had told John about it straightaway?

_What if that was it?_ What if John broke their friendship off? Randy pulled his knees up, cradled his head in his hands and hid his face against his knees.

"No…" he breathed shakily and it was now that he realized… he was trembling. "Oh god, no…"

In the end it was his own fault. Everything. He'd taken John for granted, thought that no matter what happened the older man would be there, have his back and forgive. He had been so arrogant to think their friendship was a forever-thing. And a naïve part of him had really thought that if he told John the truth, he would accept it… maybe even… more. Instead he had ruined it, the best friendship of his whole life. He'd lost the one person in his life who counted. The trembling increased, his breath hitched. A tear fell. And a second.

Minutes flew by. He cried. Silently, alone. And when his cell beeped for the fourth time since he had left John's place, the sound ripping through the darkness, he flinched hard. For a long moment he didn't move until he dared to face up to the older man's messages…

_- Hey, what's wrong? -  
_

_Wrong? I love you, John, that's what's wrong…_ he thought bitterly and an unsteady breath escaped his quivering lips as he opened the next message.

_- I don't know what your problem is, so would you please enlighten me? -  
_

_Well, I thought you knew by know…_ was his next bitter thought, yet how could he be sure that John didn't know?

What if he only wrote this for appearances?

_- Randy, what the hell? Answer your fucking phone or at least send a message. -  
_

And this now? Did it mean John finally understood?

_- We need to talk. -  
_

His breath caught in his throat. His heart stopped. The cell was being flipped shut and tossed into an obscure corner of the room, hitting the floor with an unhealthy clattering while Randy slipped under the blanket, pulling it over his head to hide away from everything. Grey eyes closed but the tears escaped them nevertheless and in a vain attempt to find shelter in sleep he tried to blank his mind to _fall_…

The night seemed endless while he waited for the merciful blackness of a dreamless sleep that never came. Yet it went by much too fast, the moment when he had to face John looming closer and closer…

x

The door to his locker room closed noisily behind him as he threw it close with a little more force than necessary. He all but ran to his bag, grabbing towel and shower gel, all hasty movements and panicked glances. His match was over and the job done for this night and all he wanted was to get away from here before John would get a chance to catch him. He wanted to be out of here before John was through with his match. There wasn't much time left.

Ever since he'd arrived at the company he somehow succeeded in avoiding John. Well, until the moment he stepped into the backstage area after his match, finding him waiting there for his own match to begin. The look the older man had given him had sent a cold shiver down his spine. Randy knew that look. It never meant good things to come and he was grateful for the business around them backstage. Otherwise John wouldn't have let him get away that moment.

It shouldn't be like this. Being scared of your best friend. The one precious being you can trust, you're in love with. But he was. Fucking terrified. Because of John's reaction. Because John was… angry? Disappointed? Disgusted? Because he wanted answers Randy refused to give… and maybe even couldn't give? Probably all of it.

Randy knew that running and hiding wasn't a solution, that sooner or later he would have to explain himself to John. But he didn't want that sooner or later to be now.

Running back from the shower to the locker he threw his stuff into his bag, toweled himself off in record time and jumped into his clothes. Silently he cursed at Hunter. The man had proved the worst timing ever by stopping him on his way to the locker room to tell him unimportant things and thus stealing his precious and few time to get away from here as soon as even possible. Throwing his bag over his shoulder he went for the door in big and fast strides. Ripping the door open he froze… the world coming to an halt...

A big hand pushed him back into the room with enough force to make him stumble. And his heart … it stumbled, too.

Backing off as John stepped in, he hoped that this was only a bad dream. John was furious, the blue eyes inflamed with anger and it scared the shit out of Randy, because in all the time of their friendship he had never, not even for a second, looked at him like that. The door was slammed shut hard enough to make the locker behind him rattle, making him halt in his escape backwards. There wasn't another way out of here anyways. The bag dropped from his shoulder and he clenched his fists, trying to stop the trembling.

The room was quiet but for John's harsh breathing and then he closed his eyes and dipped his head back, taking a deep breath. When he looked back to Randy his eyes were guarded and the anger in them dimmed, the shadow casting over them making the well-known face seem alien.

And all Randy wanted was to vanish into thin air.

"Why?"

The older man's voice was low and hurt, the single word so hollow that Randy felt the hair on his neck rise. His mind raced. Did John mean those words he'd said to Cassandra or… did he mean… the other thing…? So he just kept quiet, staring at him with big and uncertain eyes as he waited for the older man tell him to go to hell.

"Spill it, Orton! Why? What gives you the right to tell Cassi that she can't have me?" John spat, the broad shoulders tensing as he took a step forwards. "What kind of a friend are you to talk her into dumping me?!"

So this was about Cassandra. It didn't make it any better though. Randy's heart tripped painfully, his chest clenching once more and he tried hard to remember how to breathe. He had no answer to that. At least not an answer which wouldn't make it even worse.

"Open your goddamn mouth, Orton!"

"I'm sorry…" was the only thing Randy managed to say as he finally made his voice work.

"Oh, _oh_, he's _sorry_!" the blond man exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "Sure, I should have known that you're sorry! _You always are!_ But this time being sorry _isn't enough_, Randy! I finally found a girl that could be the one and you…! Oh _god_…!"

"I am, John. I am goddamn sorry but I can't make things undone, as much as I want to."

Randy's shoulders slumped a bit as he spoke, because to the dimmed anger in John's eyes added a very vivid expression of hurt and heavy disappointment.

"You know what? I need to breathe, Orton, so stay away from me until you've come to your senses, you asshole," John said coldly, about to leave and he'd almost reached the door when Randy's voice stopped him.

"Value pack, huh? No John without Randy? Best friends?" Randy hissed in helpless disappointment. "_Your_ words, John! What about that, huh? Tell me!"

"You dare ask me that, Orton?" John growled, spinning around. "Out of all people you? Would a best friend try to destroy your relationship?!"

With a few quick steps he was right in front of the younger man, grabbing him by the collar.

"I never wanted to destroy your relationship," Randy said, his voice a mere whisper that should guard the lie that it was. "I just was afraid that I would lose my best friend. I didn't think that moment… _I'm sorry_..."

This time it wasn't a lie. Yet it was.

"Fuck you, Orton!" the older man roared, giving him a hard shove. "You overstepped the lines this time!"

Stepping back John rubbed his hands through his face, barking a single, wintry laughter.

"I'm done with this, Randy," he muttered then, the hurt achingly audible in the low voice as he turned away from him.

_I love you!_

His heart screamed as he watched John leave. His mind cried the words but he pressed his lips together tightly. Words that were meant to warm, to bring happiness. Words that now would make everything only worse.

John didn't look back as he stepped into the corridor and with the sound of the closing door Randy felt his body go numb. He sat down on the bench, bracing his elbows on his knees and with a breathless sob he buried his face in his hands.

Quietness returned, weighing down heavily on him, crushing, choking. It had always been the two of them, a friendship strong enough to overcome any bullshit. A friendship that had never been supposed to end like this…

But John had left… and he had taken it with him…


	4. Cuts like a knife

Huhm… now, this is part four and this story has found its end. Hope you'll like the last chapter as much as you liked the ones before.

Enjoy ;D

* * *

It had been a call from Cody that forced him to come back to the here and now after an hour, two maybe, to face the thick and agonizing reality. Slowly lifting his head Randy gazed at the door John had left through… leaving him alone. Leaving his life. The older man's words though were still lingering in this room like a bad dream, a memory, sharp enough to cut deep, draw blood… kill slowly…

_I'm done with this…_

The ringing of his cell tore the quietness to pieces as it kept calling for him insistently. Absentmindedly he reached for the small device in his pocket, staring at the caller-ID to see who it was, but it took him a few more seconds to realize who was calling.

Cody. Cody who was asking him if he and John had actually had a fight because evidence a) John was alone at the same pub Cody and some of the other guys were having an after work drink, wearing a frankly pissed expression and evidence b) Randy was not there, also sounding like having a bad mood and that would make evidence c) it was highly unusual, as in it happens _never ever_ that they weren't out together since it was what they did. Always being in the other man's orbit, sticking together like Siamese twins.

Randy didn't answer, he just sighed down the line and thus confirming Cody's suspicion. The younger man kept asking, his already slightly slurred speech a bit too fast and his voice a tad too loud, the combination of it nerve-wracking… and at some point Randy just ended the call because it was all too much. Too much to cut Cody off, to speak even one word. Too much to listen. Just… _too much_. It was all he could do before the tears which had stopped falling a while ago returned to his eyes, hot and biting, burning although he felt like he had no tears left to shed. But the wetness on his cheeks proved otherwise.

A grown man should be stronger, shouldn't be crying so much. But maybe he wasn't a grown man right now but simply Randy, alone, hurt, disappointed and scared, staring at the ruins of a life that had been supposed to be spent with the most important person in his life. And that person… was gone.

Again his cell started ringing and again it was Cody. Wiping the wetness from his cheeks he turned it off and threw it in his bag. Bracing his elbows on his knees again he cradled his head in his hands and stared at the floor, eyes fixed on an invisible point on there. A dull pounding in his head made itself known, a pressure behind his eyes and there was a faint buzzing in his ears, it all getting more noticeable with every minute he kept crying.

How could it be that he felt numb, yet hurt beyond words? Why couldn't he simply wake up to a world where all was fine? That world existed, he knew it because for years he'd been living in it… and he wanted to go back there…

"John…" he breathed tearstained. "Johnny…"

_I love you._

With every beat his heart whispered those words, making them flow throughout his body. A shuddering sigh slipped past Randy's lips, a sigh that was almost a tiny laughter. He wasn't a bad person for being in love, was he? Even if loved a man? His best friend? How could _love_ be a bad thing? It wasn't his fault that his heart had chosen John. If anything his only fault had been not to simply tell him the truth.

A truth that was still hidden in his heart.

Randy blinked, his gaze following a few tears which fell to the floor, painting crystalline stains of sorrow there. Three words, so warm and precious, yet so painful to feel and so goddamn hard to say to the one.

"I love you…" he whispered, the words trickling away into the nothing surrounding him.

More tears fell while Randy remained sitting there like a still-life, clinging to the whispering of his aching heart.

Long minutes passed. Half an hour? An hour? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Only when the door opened he flinched, listening to the man standing in the doorway without looking up, nodding faintly as he was told to go now please. For a moment he wasn't sure if his legs would do their job as he got up, but they did, a bit unsteady though, as he made his way to the car on autopilot.

It was a formless heap of worn fabric on the driver's seat that, as he wanted to climb into his car, made him freeze. John's old sweater. Randy had taken it with him today because touching it gave him a soothing feeling of safety and comfort. Otherwise he wouldn't have found the guts to go in there and do his job. Hesitantly he reached out, burying his fingers in it.

And something inside his chest slipped, dropped… and broke with a high-pitched little sound, ringing through him…

Not even ten minutes later he stood in the middle of the bar Cody had named him, straightening up to his full height as he scanned the room, his fingers holding on to the sweater in a death-grip. Back at the car… that moment when he'd touched it… it had kicked a desperate determination off.

Their friendship had never been supposed to end like this… to end at all… but it had. Maybe because he hadn't told John the truth and maybe telling him the truth in the first place would have led to the same outcome. But it didn't make a difference anymore what he did and what not. And so he could as well tell John finally that he loved him. He had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

An odd calmness had settled over him on his way to the bar and even odder was the fact that the calmness got even deeper now as his eyes… found John. The noise around him faded into the background. People bumped into him, pushed him out of the way but his eyes stayed fixed on the older man.

John sat at the bar with his underarms braced on the counter, the broad shoulders hunched and tense. He held a root-beer in his hands, absentmindedly fumbling the label. The usually cheerful face was somber, the sparkling blue eyes dimmed.

Not taking his eyes off him for even a second Randy dug his way through the always moving crowd and he watched as a man stepped up to John, stabbing his finger in a tense shoulder and John wiped his hands down his face before grabbing his beer to leave his place at the bar. He was practically walking towards Randy, who tried to think of a good start.

And maybe saying it would be the best thing to do. I love you. It would end the back and forth within three little words.

His feet walked him right into John's path and… the older man stopped short as he realized who was blocking his way. There was a bright spark of angriness in the depths of his eyes as he glared up to Randy.

"Oh _wow_, today must be world-asshole-day," John growled as he tried to push past him, but a hand on his chest stopped him. "I swear, Orton, if you don't take your hand off me, then I…"

"Then you _what_?" Randy bit back, daring him to end the sentence.

The older man's nostrils flared. His brows furrowed and those baby blues darkened. But he didn't say it. Randy sighed.

"John, please, give me just one minute to explain it," he said, his voice taking on a soft, urging tone, hoping John would grant him that minute.

But instead of a _yes_ Randy's hand was slapped away.

"I don't care, Orton. Now get _the fuck_ out of my way!"

And just as John wanted to push past him, that guy was stepping into his way, making him groan in undisguised angriness.

"You suck, Cena," the guy slurred as he leaned in, stabbing his finger in John's chest who looked down at the finger and then back up to its owner.

Randy watched as his jaw set and the jaw muscles jumped as he gritted his teeth, his features becoming stony. He knew what that meant. John was about to snap and he was sure that if he only listened close enough, he could hear the older man's nerves sing under the strain of staying calm.

"Yeah, I know. It's what you keep telling me for the last hour over and over again," John ground out, visibly fighting with himself to stay calm… but he lost and his voice rose as he spoke again, giving the man a shove. "So why don't you finally fuck off and tell it someone who gives a flying fuck, you piece of shit?!"

With that he focused back on Randy, gazing at him with eyes cold enough to freeze his poor aching heart.

"John, please…" Randy said hushed and he was begging now, with his words, with his voice… with his eyes.

But his plea found no way into the bubble of headless angriness John was hiding in.

"Keep it to yourself and fuck off, Orton."

Those words carried something much worse now than angriness. It was indifference. And somehow it was like a slap to his face. That and the fact that John refused to listen for even a minute, that he turned his back to him this very second to leave him behind, just like that…

It happened in a split-second. Almost like in a bad movie. From the corner of his eye Randy saw a quick movement… and he took a step forward, right between John and that guy and he was shoved against John's back. There was a curse from behind him and a surprised expression on the guy's face in front of him whose eyes were fixed on Randy's midsection. Narrowing his eyes Randy looked down… and the world around him stopped as he saw a knife sticking out of his belly. Then he felt a numb tug as the guy pulled it out again. A second later blood was soaking his shirt.

The pain came with delay and it exploded in his side, cutting and ripping and burning _white hot_, both the pain and the surprise robbing him of his breath. There were screams around him. Someone bumped into him. It was the second his knees buckled.

He never hit the floor though.

Arms around his upper body prevented him from falling down and those arms eased him to the floor so very cautiously until he sat leaned against… John. Those arms were John's and it was his voice close to his ear, telling him that he needed to hang on, that it would be alright. Panic and fear were mingling into the pain and his shirt was so _goddamn red._ It shouldn't be_ that red_…

Faintly he registered that John kept talking to him, words which should have been calming but they were laced with the same panic and fear he felt… And then John pulled the sweater out of his hand, pressing it on the wound to stop the bleeding. He hadn't even realized that he was still holding it.

The noise around him became washy, distant. Closing his eyes Randy rested his head back against John as he began to feel fuzzy and he lifted his hands, holding on to the arm around his chest and the words John was murmuring to him…

x

The doctor was giving him a polite nod as he stepped back and Randy pushed himself into a sitting position, biting back groans of pain. Examination after examination, followed by treatments. Three hours? Maybe even four. And now he was allowed to go. Finally.

John. He wondered if John was waiting for him…

Back at the bar he had held him and in the ambulance he'd held his hand. Only when the doctors had told him that he needed to let go of Randy's hand, that he had to stay in the waiting room, the older man left his side.

And then the nurse opened the door and his eyes caught… John. Sitting there on a chair in the corridor, right in front of this room and the older man's head snapped up that very second, eyes wide. Their gazes locked and the fear in the blue orbs became relief. The doctor beckoned to him to come in and he did, stepping up to Randy.

"You worried me a bit, you know?" the older man murmured and winced as his eyes found the thick wound bandage around Randy's belly.

A hand settled on Randy's leg and gave it a light squeeze, making the younger man's heart jump a bit despite the situation. And just when Randy wanted to tell him how glad he was that he hadn't left, the doctor cut in.

"As I told you already, the knife missed the abdominal cavity and got stuck in the lateral abdominal muscles. But you need to take it easy for the next four weeks. It will hurt and take a while to heal, but it's not all too serious. I want you to come here immediately if there are any bleedings," the medic instructed him and handed him two small bottles. "The antibiotics two a day and the painkillers if necessary. Come every other day for a check-up and a wound bandage changing. Any questions?"

Randy shook his head no, as did John and with a nod the doctor left.

"Thanks for staying," Randy said quietly, hesitantly looking back to John. "I wasn't sure if you would…"

A shadow cast over the blond man's eyes as he seemed to remember that he had broken their friendship off just before this had happened and it made Randy's heart drop. The hand on his leg vanished.

"You can't go home like this," John muttered then, shrugging his jacket off to put it around the younger man's shoulders.

He could see that John was still pissed, yet he was still here… and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. Glad? He should be glad. Then why wasn't he? The nurse excused herself for a moment and left the room, leaving the two man alone, surrounded by tense silence.

"John…"

Randy was stopped as John shook his head no and said, almost snapped: "You could have been killed, you goddamn idiot!"

"Yeah, just like you," Randy replied sighing as he shifted a bit, his legs dangling from the edge of the bed.

John's voice dropped to a whisper as he added: "Don't ever do that again. I thought you'd die on me. You scared the shit out of me..."

A dry chuckle passed Randy's lips.

"So you still care?" he asked as dryly and saw the older man look away.

But there was no answer to his question and he realized that this moment now... it could be the last chance to set the things right... that he had to say _it_ regardless of the outcome. _Later_ wasn't an option anymore. The deep breath he took inflamed his side with a burning pain but that pain distracted him from the one in his heart.

"John, look at me," he demanded softly and his heart began to pound hard against his chest, maybe even hard enough for John hear it, as guarded blues locked with his. His chest clenched and he willed himself not to avert his eyes as he whispered: "I love you."

The words lay heavy in the air between them, waiting to be _understood_. Long seconds passed and the pounding in his chest stole his breath as he waited for a reaction. A fuzzy feeling spread throughout his body. And then he saw something shift in John's eyes, saw them widen as he grasped the meaning of the words. Shaking his head slightly no he swallowed hard, stepping back. Randy's heart missed a few beats because he knew what would happen next. He could have tried to stop the older man but it would have been a vain attempt.

So he watched as John turned around and… left... and for the second time tonight his world was shattered to pieces.

It wasn't like he hadn't expected a reaction like that. Still it hurt beyond words. All the time there had been an oh so very tiny part of him harboring the hope that John might accept it, understood it… maybe even returned his feelings. There had been moments when he'd seen something in those blue eyes, moments when John had let him come even closer than usual… when he tried to get closer to Randy than a best friend would, should try to… but in the end it had obviously only been imagination. Hanging his head he closed his eyes as tears welled up, pressed his lips tightly together against the sob that crawled up his throat. Faintly he realized that the door was being opened but the steps approaching him weren't John's.

"Sir?"

It was the nurse. He took an unsteady breath before looking up to her and she held a small bag in her hand, handing it over to him.

"Your sweater, but I'm not sure if the blood can be washed out," she explained, a polite smile on her face. "Uhm, there are two gentleman waiting for you in the corridor."

She pointed over to the still open door where Ted and Cody were standing, a very worried expression on both their faces. He was deeply grateful to have friends like them and so he tried a smile. But he failed.

"The doctor said you can go. Shall I call you a taxi?" she asked but Ted cut in.

"We're gonna take him home, thanks," he said as he walked over to Randy, Cody following him like a puppy.

Cautiously slipping from the bed Randy reached out for a hold as dizziness rolled through him.

"You okay?" Ted asked, taking hold of his shoulders to steady him.

"Just a bit dizzy from the painkillers," he murmured weakly.

It was Cody who asked then: "Where's John?"

Randy looked down at the bag in his hand and because he didn't want to explain, he just replied… beaten: "Gone."

From the corner of his eyes he saw the two men exchange a strange glance and it dawned on him that there was no need to explain anything. There was a good chance the two already had an idea what was going on. There were no further questions, only gentle hands steadying him as they made their way to Ted's car. The ride home was quiet and when they arrived at Randy's place, Ted and Cody insisted on staying for the night, just to make sure he would be okay. But all he wanted was to be alone right now and so he sent them away, promising to call the next morning. The two men left, very reluctantly though.

And when Randy crawled into his bed he found no sleep, only more pain because it reminded him of every single time John had slept there, too. Trying to escape those memories he fled to the couch, hiding there under the thick comforter… waiting for a dreamless sleep to save him. He wanted to get away from here, from what had happened. From everything. The ache in his heart, the hollow, lost feeling that threatened to devour him.

John had left him. He was gone… He still couldn't believe that John wouldn't be a part of his life anymore… A small, wailing sound dropped from Randy's lips as he screwed his eyes shut against it all.

It didn't take long until exhaustion pulled him down, pain, desperation and sorrow accompanying him into an unconscious-like sleep…

x

For the last four days he'd practically been on autopilot. A numb routine, day after day. Sleeping a lot, eating a little albeit he wasn't hungry and lacked of appetite. He took his meds like a good boy and apart from that he did nothing but sitting around, watching TV, reading a book. Or thinking. Sometimes he tried so hard _not_ to think of anything and failed so poorly that it almost hurt bodily. And no matter where the books and the TV wanted to take him to… his head and his heart orbited around one single word. Just like right now…

John.

Closing the front door behind him Randy threw his keys on the counter, changed into sweatpants and his feel-good sweater. Luckily he'd been able to wash the blood out of the fabric, because the idea of throwing it away gave him a… stab. The police had caught the guy only a couple of blocks from the bar and in a few days Randy would have to give evidence. His attorneys would see to the rest. He'd just been to the hospital for a checkup and the bad feeling hospitals always gave him was still brewing in his guts. It was a good company for all those other bad feelings which had taken up residence there ever since…

Whatever.

With a sigh Randy shuffled over to the couch and settled cautiously on his unharmed side, slipping a bit deeper into the sweater. He couldn't sleep in his bed. He'd tried it after coming home four days ago, but in his bed there was no sleep to find, only more memories of John and so he chose the couch. Blinking slowly, Randy let his eyes sweep aimlessly around. It was already getting dark outside and in a few minutes the darkness would creep into the room, sprawling over it like a gloomy blanket. It matched Randy's mood perfectly.

He had lost everything. His best friend. The one he loved.

He was fucking terrified about the future because John had been such a big part of his life for such a long time that at some point this man had begun to _define_ his life. Randy was sad? John was there. He was happy? John was there. He needed help? John was there. No matter what… John had _always_ been there. And it had been the same the other way around. He'd lost that, too. No more being important to John… Gods, how would the day be when he would be back at the company, when he had to face John? How should he get through this?

This was the purest irony of life. For once Randy had found someone who stuck to him despite him being him and after so many years that had been _more_, closer than just a simple good friendship, he had to go and fall for John and because Randy was Randy, he found a way to shatter what was supposed to be bulletproof. And John? John would live happily ever after with a girl that was all but a clone of himself after he practically drove him into her arms.

Closing his eyes he settled an arm over his face and hid away from the world. There was that goddamn burning in his eyes again, but the tears had stopped long ago. After crying enough for two lifetimes there were simply no more tears left.

Quiet minutes… and then the meds did their magic, the combination of painkillers and antibiotics kicking a heavy sleepiness off and he felt a faint pulling, tugging at his consciousness. He didn't fight it. Sleep was peace and a refuge of good memories and so he let go…

x

Somewhere in that peaceful place full of blissful nothing consciousness stirred as dimmed sounds invaded his shelter like a soft breeze. And then Randy was floating in the twilight between being asleep and being awake, the process of waking up feeling like an endless drifting back and forth… up and down… But eventually being awake overweight and he felt a wave of reality run through him, clearing his sleepy mind, bringing memories with. His visit at the hospital, hiding in his feel-good sweater, quiescence that had filled the room…

And now? The dimmed sounds? It almost sounded like the TV was running… But he hadn't even switched it on? And there was something else… he was wrapped up in the thick comforter. When had he pulled the comforter…?

Confused he opened his eyes a crack and his heart stopped for a painful moment because right there, not even half a meter away from him… sat John. And suddenly he was _wide_ awake, eyes big as he stared at the back of the older man's head. John sat in front of the couch with his back towards Randy, staring at the TV. He could have noticed the change in Randy's breathing or the tiny sound as his breath caught in his throat, but either he had and chose to not show a reaction or he really was oblivious to Randy being awake.

For a moment Randy closed his eyes again, praying that this wasn't a dream. But it had to. No way that John was really here. His mind was playing tricks on him because he wished so very much that John would forgive him… And in the chaos of bad feelings and shaken emotions which threatened to smother him since that day at John's house, it was the one untouchable thing that had been waiting to rise again at last. It was love and it calmed the turmoil and told him to believe, to hope.

Randy stared a little longer, almost not daring to move or breathe, too afraid that this was just a vivid offspring of his desperate wishing, hoping. But eventually the urge to touch John, feel that he _was really_ sitting there became overwhelming and so very hesitantly he reached out, settling a hand on a broad shoulder… and it was real. This was real, _John_ was real and he didn't tense, nor did he try to avoid the touch. His only reaction was to turn his face ever so slightly towards the hand on his shoulder. For a long moment the only sounds to be heard were the ones coming from the running TV.

"Four days, John," Randy said and he wanted it to sound accusing, wanted to be angry at the man sitting there, but just like the minutes, hours… days before he couldn't and all that was lacing into his voice was… relief.

The older man's shoulders slumped a tad and his head dipped a wee bit forward as he replied hushed: "You want me to go?"

Briefly Randy's fingers dug into the thick muscle hard enough to be painful, before they splayed, his thumb soothing back and forth.

"Don't you dare leave me again, Cena, don't you fucking dare…" Randy whispered then, nothing but undisguised desperation clinging to his words. "But why now? Why at all?"

Why, after all that had happened, after what had been said and done… why suddenly? Why are you here? John understood and Randy saw it, because there was a slight nodding and a sigh. A… guilty one?

Randy wished John would turn around, because he wanted to see his friend's eyes. Eyes in which he'd always been able to read, eyes which had always spoken to him. Eyes that had always been a door to the older man's soul and heart. But John didn't and Randy didn't want to push him if he wasn't ready for it. Instead John reached up to the hand on his shoulder, gently pulling it down over his chest, until it rested right on the spot over his heart. It made Randy's poor heart lurch and jump happily.

And while he held it there he said weakly: "Because I can't be without my best friend."

Relief. Gratefulness. He wanted to pull him into his arms, hold him, hold _on to_ him and never let go again. Best friend. He clung to those words and wouldn't ask for more because it was more than he would have hoped for.

"No John without Randy?"

The words were a mere whisper as they passed Randy's lips.

"Yeah… no John without Randy," John replied in that low and tender rumble Randy loved so much.

In the following quietness Randy tried to come up with apologizing words. After all he hadn't been honest with John, keeping the truth from him for more than a year and then he had done everything to obviate any serious relationship with girls John was interested in, only to shock him with the truth at last.

"John I... I know hearing that your best friend is in love with you wasn't very pleasant and… I really thought that I have scared you away for good," he began slowly, gnawing on his lip. "I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry for everything..."

But John was only shaking his head softly no.

"Things are... were... complicate and we both made mistakes, so don't be sorry," the blond sighed. Then, with a gentle but self-conscious little sound that was close to laughing: "God knows you couldn't scare me away even if your skin turned green and you'd grow a second head and antennae and told me you wanna make alien babies with me."

It made Randy smile a bit, but the smile faded as fast as it came as a question made itself known.

"But then… why did you…"

John shook his head curtly, cutting him off.

"What scared me was… what I felt... feel... ah, shit...," he breathed and just when Randy wanted to speak again, the older man cut him off again. "Cassi is gone."

John's statement was tinged with a not very much amused kind of laughter, mingling into his voice. And because Randy couldn't find words of comfort he really meant, he settled for a neutral and safe choice of words.

"I'm sorry, John."

A puffed little chuckle.

"No, you're not."

A second of caught silence. The hold on Randy's hand tightened.

Then Randy admitted: "Yeah, you're right… I'm not sorry that she's gone. Yet I'm sorry that you're alone again. Because of me."

"It wasn't because of you. The two of you are really much alike," the blond man huffed. "The moment you told her she can't have, it me made her only want me more. Just like you when someone tells you to keep your fingers off something. No, it wasn't because of you. It was my decision to break off with her."

John turned his head a bit around, just enough for Randy to catch a glimpse on his face and between the patterns of light and dark the running TV painted on the pale skin he found a slight detached expression there and awareness, bitter and heavy.

"But you said you love her?" Randy wondered, absentmindedly splaying his fingers on John's chest to feel as much of him as possible.

And under his touch he felt John's heartbeat, strong, steady, yet also a little faster than it should be and it was vividly telling Randy that the man he loved was really here.

Reassurance.

"No, I said that I love her… maybe. But I don't. I loved what I saw in her, what I wanted her to be," John said very quietly, self-reproach dripping off his words. "All the time I thought that if I only found a girl who is like you, that it would be the perfect match because _you_ are the perfect match for me. You have always been. Only… that you're a guy. And then there she is, reminding me of you in every possible way but… in the end she's only an imperfect copy of what I really want."

Overwhelmed by the situation and John's words he could only stare. And _hope_. His heart wanted to jump happily in his chest but he willed it to wait because there was a chance that John didn't mean them the way Randy understood them. Or wanted to understand them. And then, slowly, gingerly John turned around to Randy, facing him with the most vulnerable expression he'd ever seen on the older man's face. There was uncertainty, confusion in those cerulean orbs, fear even. Randy's hand slipped from John's shoulder as he moved, finding a hand that was settled on the cushion and taking a tender hold of it he closed his fingers around John's.

"Listen, I… fuck, I don't have a fucking idea how to begin…" John whispered, averting his eyes. "All this wasn't… isn't easy for me to… accept. Not because you love me but because…" He stopped mid-sentence, tilting his head back with a helpless sigh before he took a deep breath and locked his eyes with Randy's again and there was _something_. "Huh… I spent the last days trying to accept that I… I love you, Randy. And the funny thing is, back at the hospital... the second I realized it, there _wasn't_ a maybe. _I love you_ and it scares the shit out of me because first my life is perfect, then we fight and then I think that you might die on me and then… I realize that I love you and probably have for a while without _seeing_ it. And for the first time in my life I don't know what to do…"

The world stilled, his mind, his heart… his whole being narrowing on John as the words sunk in. A breath he hadn't even noticed being stuck in his throat escaped his lips and briefly he closed his eyes as he tried to comprehend what was just happening. This time he didn't tell his heart to be quiet as it began to run and jump in his chest, carried by utter relief and happiness and _love_.

John _loved_ him.

Hesitantly, almost shy, he lifted his free hand to John's face, cupping his cheek and almost as if he had waited for Randy to do it, wished that he would, he closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. And Randy's heart cried out in joy.

He tugged at the older man's hand, urging him to open his eyes again and he did, being greeted by a tender smile on Randy's lips.

"If you really love me, then it shouldn't be that hard."

"I _do_ love you, Ran. I really do. But I… I'm lost here…" John said so very quietly, trailing off and it left a barely audible _help me_ between the lines.

"No, you're not. I am here…" Randy whispered and there was a glint in those baby blues, nourishing the small flicker of hope in his heart, yet there was still a shadow of doubt lingering in John's eyes, too. "I don't know what will happen but what I do know is… that I want to be with you. I love you, Johnny. It's gonna be tough sometimes but I know we can make it work. It's worth it. _We_ are worth it."

"It is really that easy?" John murmured in wonder, more to himself than to Randy.

Again the older man closed his eyes for a second and when they opened again the doubt was gone, replaced by amazement. And for the first time Randy saw it there… undisguised love. It stole his breath and he wanted to kiss John... but he didn't dare to move. He wanted to leave it to John to set the pace, no matter how much it would kill him to wait.

It was a slight embarrassment which crossed John's face suddenly and then Randy felt him slip out of his hands as he got up, only to sit down beside him, eyes fixed on the younger man's midsection. His eyes were followed by his hands and very cautiously he lifted the sweater a bit, taking in the thick bandage wrapped around Randy's belly.

"Does it hurt badly?" he murmured absentmindedly, allowing tender fingers to trace over it.

"Not when I'm careful," Randy replied quietly, trying to push the urge to kiss John aside.

Slipping his hands under the sweater, splaying his fingers over warm skin and the bandage, John bowed his head with a shuddering sigh.

"All the blood… I… I was so afraid that you… could die…" he whispered on the verge of crying.

"Johnny… hey, come on, don't go there." With that Randy reached out and buried his fingers in John's shirt, giving him a soft shake. "I'm here and you are here and it's gonna be alright, okay? _We're_ gonna be alright."

A tiny nod.

And yeah, he was willed to go the pace John set, but maybe… maybe John needed a tiny… push?

"And, you know… I told you that I love you and you just told me that you love me too…" he purred, tugging the older man closer. "This would be the right moment for… a kiss…?"

He kept tugging him closer and closer as he spoke and John followed, hesitantly though as if a wrong step on this new territory could destroy everything. Only when John finally settled down beside him, propped up on an elbow, Randy's fingers unfurled, smoothing over the shirt and the muscles underneath he'd longed to touch all the time. His arm wrapped around the older man's waist to pull him in and molding their bodies together, like he'd done in uncountable dreams before, he marveled at how perfectly they fit. The pain in his side faded as John's warmth enwrapped him, as his scent invaded his nostrils… it made him feel warm and fuzzy, perfectly contented with just being allowed to be as close like this to the one he loved.

Randy sighed as he searched John's face for a sign of unease but instead the amazement was back, the love sparkling in the baby blues. John was far from feeling uncomfortable as it seemed. Randy's name was a sigh on his lips as he suddenly leaned down, placing a simple and innocent little kiss on the younger man's lips and a second, brushing his lips along Randy's.

Randy felt a shy lick on his bottom lip that made him smile into the kiss, though it could barely be called that. John was testing this new territory again and his shyness was… indescribably cute. His heart settled for an utterly happy bouncing, pumping endorphins throughout his body and the feeling it caused was like floating. In the pure need to feel more he pressed closer to the broad frame. This was just too good…

A sudden nip on his bottom lip drew a gasp from him that was swallowed as John's lips sealed his in a firm _kiss_. Tongues met in a duel for dominance but then a strong hand came up to cradle Randy's head, to keep him close and John angled his head further to practically devour his mouth, all soft brushes and hard strokes… and Randy surrendered. A pleased hum was the older man's answer, its rumbling vibrating through Randy. Goosebumps… running in waves all over his body…

The kiss changed, becoming slow, thorough and deep, lips unsealing only to allow them both to take much needed pulls of air. It was a gentle kiss, yet demanding and so infinitely tender and loving that it brought tears to Randy's eyes and he was clinging to the man in his arms because if not… he would have gotten lost in this moment, this kiss… in John…

They floated in their own little bubble of happiness. Long kisses… exploring, caressing and loving touches… words of deepest affection being whispered so very softly… just being close. For minutes? Hours…

It was all this, _all this_… that accompanied Randy as he eventually drifted off and it were John's words which carried him. A whisper in a peaceful darkness…

_I love you._

x

The next day came on silent paws and it was a purr of golden memories that called him out of the velvet blackness of a restful sleep. It had been the first restful sleep since… weeks? Months maybe… Refusing to wake up fully Randy dwelled a little longer in the twilight of almost-being-awake-but-not-yet, recalling the last night and the utterly goofy grin it caused was safely hidden by the blanket. With a most contented sigh he turned his face into the pillow.

Pillow.

Wait, there was no pillow on the couch. Blinking the last bit of sleepiness away he realized that he was in his bed. And several things happened very quickly.

First his heart dropped because, fuck, they had been on the couch so why was he in his bed now?! Had this only been… a dream? His heart dropped even more as he realized that not only was he in his bed, he was _alone_ in his bed. He sat up too fast, causing his sore side to explode in pain and he moaned pitifully. In an attempt to breathe the pain away he hunched forward. After long seconds the pain faded and his mind registered something. Sounds, coming from downstairs. Sounds…

_John._

His heart crawled back up to the place where it belonged and settled for a happy jumping that immediately change to anxious stumbling as another question tugged at his attention. Why wasn't John here with him? What if John had changed his mind and now regretted his words?

_I love you._

But why would John say those words if he wasn't sure about it? No. No, why would he still be here if he had changed his mind? Fuck, no, John hadn't changed his mind.

It was what his head said. Then why didn't his heart believe it?

Cautiously he climbed out of his nest and padded to the bathroom, listening to the sounds on his way. There was muted music and the typical sound of dishes. And a hum. John was humming to the music. Gods, how he loved that voice…

Leaving the door to the bathroom open he kept listening, taking every tiny sound as a _sign that he wasn't alone _anymore. Slowly he made his way down and suddenly the doubts were back, bringing a ridiculous nervousness with. What if John _had_ changed his mind and told him now that, yes, they were still best buddies but no, he didn't want them to be more than just that? What if John told him that he didn't want or couldn't risk _them_, because it could ruin both their lives? Clenching his fists in growing nervousness he reached the bottom of the stairs and walked even slower over to the kitchen. What if John was disgusted because he'd woken up to a hard-on pressing into his thigh or…

Randy stepped into the kitchen and… froze as his eyes found John, wearing only sweat pants. No shirt. Muscles moving tantalizing under smooth, pale skin. His eyes travelled up, taking in a blank face, locking with blue ones. And his heart plummeted to his belly. To the nervousness added slight fear. He swallowed hard as an unpleasant queasy feeling ran down his spine.

In a fit of panic he began to stammer: "I, uhm… I… you… we…"

Sighing he hung his head and closed his eyes. He could almost smell his own uncertainty. Why couldn't he still be there on the couch, completely wrapped up in John's presence, when everything had been good? It had been perfect, it…

"Randy…"

The low voice so suddenly right there in front of him made him flinch but he couldn't open his eyes and look at John. Persistent doubts kept nagging at him. But it was the touch of gentle hands on his face, the soft brushing of thumbs over his cheeks which gave him the strength to open his eyes and it was the whispered _eyes on me_ that made him look up eventually.

And there was no disgust, no rejection. What he found there was purest fondness and a tender little smile, the cerulean orbs glowing with love.

"Randy…" John said hushed, asking almost and although his smile was fading a bit, the tenderness still played on those addictive lips.

Hesitantly Randy settled his hands on the older man's waist, feeling the inviting warmth and the softness of the skin under his touch and in response John stepped closer until he stood pressed up against him. And god, it felt so good, so perfect. So _right_.

"Johnny, I… huh, when I woke up in my bed and you weren't there… I really thought that it was only a dream or that you might… have changed your mind," Randy replied somewhat shakily, unsuccessfully trying to laugh it off.

Placing a tiny kiss on the corner of the younger man's mouth John murmured: "I thought sleeping in the bed instead of the couch would be better for you, so I carried you to your room. And you were fast asleep when I woke up and I didn't want to wake you. You needed rest." Another small kiss to the other corner of now slightly smiling lips. "No need to worry, Ran, everything's alright. I didn't change my mind and I'm not gonna go anywhere. I'm right where I want to be."

Relief. And with a silent sigh Randy wrapped his arms around the broad back to pull him even closer if possible, while resting his forehead against the older man's.

"I love you, Johnny," he breathed. "I love you so much…"

"And I love you, babe," John whispered against Randy's lips. "Welcome to our life."

With that he claimed Randy's lips in a kiss that swept all doubts away. It was a spine-tingling kiss full of promises, a kiss that freed all kinds of good feelings. It made his head spin because it tasted like _the words_ which would be his and his alone from now on…

_You are the one. I love you._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So, this was the last part. Yeah, I know, no bed scene but I hope you liked it nevertheless.

Thanks for spending your precious time on reading it (because I know how precious time can be ;-)!

Let me know what you think!

Kisses and hugs to all of my beloved readers!


	5. NO extra chap, please read nevertheless

Hey folks :D

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this is not an extra chapter… :3

I'm still so totally happy about all the reviews to this story and so very happy you all liked it! This may sound funny, but I have no words to tell you how honored I feel (all words stored away for my stories ;-)!

Since there was so much feedback, I thought I leave the following thing to you:

How about a sequel? (winks Alonia187)

Tell me if you want me to write one!

I in fact already have an idea for the plot, but if you have any suggestions, go ahead, tell me ;D

Love you guys!


End file.
